


ua haʻalele ʻoe iaʻu (a ua hoʻomālamalama ʻoe iaʻu)

by justfandomthings



Category: Hawaii Five-0 (2010)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, First Kiss, Getting Together, Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Nightmares, POV Danny "Danno" Williams, Panic Attacks, Post-Canon Fix-It, Post-Episode: s10e22 Aloha (Goodbye)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-07
Updated: 2020-04-07
Packaged: 2021-03-02 05:21:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,665
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23509834
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/justfandomthings/pseuds/justfandomthings
Summary: "The truth is, I was shot in the chest and nearly died, and not even three days after I was released from the hospital, you up and left-- and of those two, I'm not sure which one hurt me worse!"(Coda to 10x22 because come on, we all need a better ending than the one given to us.)Title loosely translates to: "You left me in the dark (you lit me up)" -- inspired by the brilliant song "Say You Won't Let Go" by James Arthur
Relationships: Steve McGarrett/Danny "Danno" Williams
Comments: 35
Kudos: 321





	ua haʻalele ʻoe iaʻu (a ua hoʻomālamalama ʻoe iaʻu)

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into 日本語 available: [ua haʻalele ʻoe iaʻu (a ua hoʻomālamalama ʻoe iaʻu)](https://archiveofourown.org/works/25007599) by [NANAjohnlock](https://archiveofourown.org/users/NANAjohnlock/pseuds/NANAjohnlock)



> Trigger warning for panic attacks and anxiety.
> 
> Pretty angsty for a while in this one but considering everything Danny's just gone through, only to have his best friend leave almost immediately into the aftermath, it makes sense to me he'd be dealing with a lot of anxiety, maybe PTSD from Daiyu Mei's attack? Either way, I feel like Danny's mental health has been somewhat ignored on the show, so here's my attempt to address that while fixing the ending to 10x22.

His chest hurts. Badly. He'd describe the pain as an eight out of ten and whether that's from the fact that he was fucking shot in the chest seven days ago or the fact that Steve _left_ just seven days after he got shot in the chest and nearly died… 

It all just hurts. 

"Danny?" Tani asks quietly. 

How long she's been standing behind him, Danny has no idea. He never heard her approach. He tilts his head back a little, glancing at her. Watches as she takes in the fading tear tracks on his face. 

"Hey, man," Lou says, taking a seat in Steve's chair. It feels wrong. All of it does. 

_I stayed for my dad._

Not for _you_ or for their _ohana_ …for his dad. Danny believes him, just wishes they'd been included in that reason too. Family, there for each other through everything. He'd like to think they gave Steve a reason to stay. 

Considering the plane he's sitting on, apparently they didn't. He knows that's selfish, knows that Steve had to get away from Hawaii to process after everything that's been done to him here, but he's bitter anyway. _Couldn't have stayed seven more days? Fourteen? Until I'd at least wrapped my head around the fact that I'm not going to die?_

He's being selfish. He knows this. He'll work on it. Just not tonight. Tonight feels like he's been abandoned. 

"Danny," Adam murmurs, looking worried as he and the others come around to stand in a circle around his chair. 

"How are you?" Tani asks, kneeling in the sand in front of him. Danny knows she cares about her attire so the fact that she's kneeling in front of him, getting her knees full of sand, all so she can check on him… Danny has to look away, swallow past the lump in his throat. 

"Yeah, man, how you holding up? You okay?" 

Something cracks at Lou's ask. "No, of course I'm not, _no…_ My best friend just left for who-knows-how-long, or if he's coming back, and-" 

"Hey, now," Lou interjects. "Steve'll be back." 

"That's just it. He couldn't promise me that." Danny looks away from the members of his team, stares out at the water. He hates how he can feel Cole's presence a few feet behind him, watching them. "I know this is selfish but I'm a few days out of the hospital. Would it have been so bad for him to have waited for me to be able to stand without feeling like I'm going to keel over?" Voicing his pain out loud suddenly makes it real and now he feels like crying. 

"Danny…" 

"You know when he told me he was going and he'd booked the flight, he told me to stay here as long as I wanted. In his house, in his bedroom, in his goddamn _bed_ as if I could stay in his home without him there, as if the whole reason I'd moved in hadn't been because he'd been there!" At some point, Danny's starting yelling and he's not sure when. He wants to cry and yell and maybe break down. He'd been kidnapped, tortured, shot, nearly died... all for Steve to leave days later. All he wants is Steve at his side. 

Not thousands of miles away. 

"Danny…" 

"I can't stay here," Danny croaks. He looks up and stares through blurry vision at the members of his team as they surround him in silent solidarity. This team, the ohana Steve has given him. "I can't, I swear I can't, and I won't. I-" 

Tani wraps her arms around him, murmuring a quiet word in his ear as the tears slide down Danny's cheeks once again. 

His chest hurts. And now he's certain it's more from grief than it is the bullet. 

They check on him every day. Without fail, they all do. Even Quinn, despite the fact that they haven't worked together that much or for that long. They stop by during their lunch break and they set up a rotating shift schedule to assist him to his assessment appointments with the cardiologist, the surgeon, his general physician, and to the PT appointments when they start up in a couple of weeks.

Steve calls every day too. Random hours of the day, depending on what he's doing. He's got the dates and times of Danny's appointments memorized to the letter so he calls when it's convenient for both. He never asks first; he knows when it is. 

Danny wants to be mad at Steve. And he was- initially. Mad at him for trying to diminish what he had in Hawaii to make Danny mad at him to lessen the blow of him leaving. Mad at him for leaving when Danny was so vulnerable and just out of the hospital. 

The anger fades for the first one. Anger becomes understanding as Danny recognizes Steve's motivations. But even after Adam, Tani, and Junior all try to tell Danny that Steve left so quickly because of the guilt he felt that Danny had been kidnapped to get to him- 

Danny's anger only fades to hurt. The hurt has always been there, mind, but now it's there tenfold. 

He doesn't admit it to the team or to Rachel, or to Steve. It stays with himself- and Eddie. (Eddie'd found him crying on the beach in his chair after driving himself to Steve's, wishing his partner would be there to greet him when he arrived. The house had been empty upon his arrival. Completely quiet and _lonely_ … so Danny had dragged himself outside to their chairs. Had proceeded to cry his heart out. Had told Eddie about how horrible he felt when Eddie had bound over to him, whining as he tried to lick away Danny's tears. And then he'd dragged himself inside, locked the house, and gone back to his place. 

Not home.)

The pain from their goodbye on the beach doesn't really fade with time. 

Danny keeps it well hidden and buries it more with each call with his partner, wanting Steve to focus on taking care of himself. He answers Steve truthfully about his appointments and about how his PT is doing now that he's started, but the one question he never answers honestly is the one about how he's doing. 

Because while _doing better_ might be the truth for how he's physically doing, the opposite couldn't be more true for his mental health. 

He knows it. 

And he lets it happen anyway. 

There are a lot of nightmares. Especially in the beginning but even after a month and a half passes, the nightmares still stick with him. There are some recurring story lines: the torture, getting shot, waiting to die... _dying, losing Steve, Steve leaving him…_

It doesn't help that when Danny wakes up, some of those are actually reality and not just a fragment his imagination threw together to torture him with. 

There are also the dreams of drowning in blood. Of _Steve_ drowning in blood or some other equally horrible end that Danny can't do a thing about because he's here and Steve's _there._

He wakes up drowning and sometimes- more so as his anxiety continues to fester unchecked as a result of the trauma and the nightmares- and sometimes, when Danny's struck in the throws of a panic attack or can't breathe through the pain in his chest, he wonders if he's actually drowning after all. 

Wonders when it will finally stop. 

Just past the two month marker since Steve left, Steve tries to Face Time him. Danny startles so hard at the notification of the incoming call, he throws his phone to the other side of the room. It rings, on and on and _on_ until Steve accepts the fate and ends the attempt. _God, if he'd accidentally answered, had Steve realized he'd moved out..._

Danny hobbles over to his phone, winces in pain the entire time he bends down to get it, and then makes his way over to Steve's. 

It's the second lie of omission he's told Steve. Steve's never asked outright if Danny's living at his place or not so Danny's never admitted to moving out. He also told everyone not to say anything because he wanted Steve to focus on himself instead of worrying about him. They've kept it quiet so far but Danny knows they don't want to. It's probably a matter of time before someone spills the beans accidentally, though Danny keeps telling himself that won't happen. 

One day, he'll tell Steve himself. Or Steve will actually _come home himself_ and figure it out. 

Danny doesn't hold his breath for either option. 

"I really think you should just tell Steve the truth," Tani says as she perches on the armrest of the sofa and leans over towards Danny as he prepares himself to make the call. "Lying will only make things worse." 

"He went on this trip to find himself and put himself first, for once. I'm not going to ruin that by making him worried about me for nothing," Danny says, drawing the blinds so Steve will see them and know he's at his house. "Besides, what's the problem with me moving out? I was never going to stay here permanently anyway." 

She and Junior exchange a look that Danny ignores. "You want in in the call or what?" Danny demands, opening the app. 

"Nah, we're going to catch a movie upstairs. Enjoy the call, okay?" 

Danny gives her a small smile as she and Junior head up together. With an overjoyed-that-he's-back Eddie remaining as close to him as possible, Danny calls Steve and holds out his phone so Steve'll be able to see him. 

Steve answers almost immediately. "Danny, hey!" he greets. He sounds light. Light in a way Danny's only heard from him a few times in their ten years of knowing each other. "How's my bestie doing?" 

"Bestie?" Danny questions, making a face. "Don't call me that." 

"Why not?" Steve asks and, is he, is he _pouting_? "That's what you are, you're my best friend." 

"Yeah but _bestie_ sounds so juvenile. Like we're not two middle-aged old men who-" 

"I'm not old, you're old," Steve interrupts. 

Danny rolls his eyes. This new discourse brings ease to the anxiety that began stirring in his chest at _bestie._ "You're only saying that because I'm older than you," he points out. "Where're you at anyway? I'm getting a good look at your handsome mug but nothing else." 

Steve beams at the compliment. "I'm in New York!" he exclaims, pulling his arm away so Danny can see. "My hotel room looks out over the city limits and this _view_ with all the buildings lit up- I had to show you, it's _beautiful_." 

"That's why you called?" Danny feels like laughing. Maybe crying. God, he's in love with such a sap. 

"Yeah, why not? I don't have to have a reason to call you, do I? I know you grew up with this view but, wow. Danno, it really is so beautiful. It's so _bright_ , it's like the city is looking out for all the smaller towns around it, shining a light on them. Kinda a nice sentiment, right?" 

Danny checks his watch. "Have you been drinking?" he asks. "It's one-thirty in the morning for you and you're sprouting poetry at me and you never do that." 

The camera focuses back on Steve's face and this time, he looks hurt. "Danny, no," he says. "I saw this view last night when I arrived but I knew you were with Charlie so I didn't call. Figured I'd stay up tonight so I could show you. I don't have to be drinking to be sentimental, you know." 

"I know that," Danny reassures. "I wasn't trying to insult you, you know I never want to hurt you. Look, it's a pretty view, alright? I agree."

"There's nothing like it in Hawaii." Steve sounds wistful.

Danny clears his throat. "When you look out at it from the suburbs though, it's not the same, you know?" 

Steve frowns a little. "Whaddya mean?" 

Danny shrugs. "Think about it. From where you stand, it's bright and the city lights up for everything around them. It's beautiful, like you. But there's a lot of pollution and bad situations compressed into one setting, like what you've been through. Yeah, the city shines bright for everyone but in order for it to sustain itself, it has to step back and take care of itself first, remove some of the pollution and bad situations. Then it can shine for the little towns, yeah, but also for itself. Way it should be, you know?" 

The line is silent and Danny has to look away the longer Steve processes his words. The look on Steve's face, contemplative and worried, is the biggest give away Danny should have not said anything. But hey, he can be sentimental too and considering how he's been feeling mentally, him and deep and philosophical thoughts are basically connected at this point. It's not the first time he's dug up a deep, metaphorical and philosophical comparison that's thrown his family for a loop in the last two months. 

"Does that mean you understand why I left?" Steve finally asks. 

Danny risks a glance back at the camera and finds Steve is staring at him, looking for all intents and purposes like whatever Danny says will change both of their lives. 

"I've always supported you and your plans to leave," Danny says, "even if I didn't want you to." 

"Not what I asked, Danny," Steve says quietly. "I asked if you understand it now." 

He has a point. Danny never wanted Steve to leave but supported Steve in his efforts to leave anyway because if Steve needed to leave in order to find the peace he was looking for, then so be it. At whatever cost to his own happiness, Danny would accept as it came. Because in the end, he just wants Steve to be happy. 

But what Steve's asking…does he understand why Steve had to _leave_? Had to leave _him?_ Days after he'd been released from the hospital?

That part, no. That part still leaves Danny feeling like he's going to sink in his grief. 

But can he understand that Steve needed to get away from Hawaii and all its painful memories? 

That part, yes, he can. That's the part he's always understood, to be honest.

"I'm beginning to," Danny answers. "And regardless of that, I'm happy you're out venturing the world like the crazy guy from _Kung Fu._ If it means you'll find what you're looking for and will be happy… that's all I want, is for you to be happy. You know that right?" 

Steve's eyes are sparkling in the light as he says, "I know, I love you too." 

They end the call a few minutes later with a plan to do it again in a couple of days. Danny turns his phone off and buries his face in his hands, trying to keep his emotions in check. 

Eddie puts his head on his knee and stares up at him sadly. "I just miss him," Danny admits to Eddie, lifting his hand so he can scratch behind Eddie's ears. It's the second thing he's said to Eddie the _dog_ that he hasn't admitted to anyone else but himself out loud. 

Danny might be closer to understanding the reasons why Steve left but it does nothing for helping him feel better. He still feels alone, empty. 

He still prefers that to the alternative. 

Because the alternative means his anxiety at its worst; the nightmares, the flashbacks, the way he can't drive at all without remembering what it was like to be tailed, shot into submission, and forced into a car. 

The alternative means drowning and Danny would rather walk on earth, parched and yearning for something he doesn't have than be left drowning in the memories of his scars. 

PT is a bitch. His gunshot wound to the chest means he's basically without use of his arms because any heavy lifting would affect the shoulders which would affect the chest which- according to his cardiologist during his latest appointment- is dangerous to his heart. 

Apparently getting shot in the chest twice in two years is bad. 

This time should have killed him, the doctor says. It's a miracle he's still alive. 

Stuck on the floor with his physical therapist leaning over him and encouraging him to get back up, Danny wonders. _Can I even do this?_ He's drenched in sweat, his chest is burning and there's a very real fear in the back of his mind that he's going to hurt himself worse somehow. 

PT will help in the long run but every time he falls or he's unable to lift something without agonizing pain shooting through his chest all the way to his heart, Danny wonders. _Will it?_

The appointments always end with Danny being driven home by someone from the team. Dropped off at home where the person- depending on who it is, if there's a case, or how they're both doing- might stay a while. Might leave immediately. But it always ends with Danny dragging himself to the shower, washing away the shame, and starting again the next time. 

Over and over. 

Curled up in a ball on his bed as best as he can without aggravating his injuries, trembling and struggling to keep his tears a silent affair as the reminders of his nightmare float across his mind, Danny wonders. 

He wonders, he wonders… 

When he's all alone and trapped in his own mind… when he's anxious or waiting for Steve to call or longing for his best friend's embrace... 

He wonders. 

Wonders what the point is. Wonders why he didn't die when, according to all of his doctors, he should have. 

He doesn't know. 

His insomnia gets worse. Too many nightmares has led to Danny avoiding sleep. Drinking the coffee he was told to avoid. Reading random crap to occupy his mind so he can't rest. It becomes a common thing until all he manages is a few hours here and there between restless nights and nightmares. 

It's his own fault he can't sleep. But it keeps the nightmares at bay, a little. He's grateful for the slight reprieve it offers. Something is better than nothing, after all.

Problem is, his anxiety rides the same train as his insomnia. 

Danny knows it's getting worse and says nothing to anyone. He just watches, wondering how bad it has to get before he cares to put an end to it, to seek out help. Wonders how bad it'll get before anyone else cares. Before _He_ cares.

It begins to rain. 

"How're you doing, man, seriously?" Steve asks. It's now been three months and twenty-eight days since he left. Danny's been counting. "You look tired." 

Danny shrugs, leaning back in his chair. He hates this chair now. With Steve gone...he only sits here when they're calling. He avoids it (and Steve's place) otherwise. "Getting restless. I'm only allowed to work half days doing _desk work_ and the rest of the time I'm stuck at home. Running out of home improvement projects to work on." 

Steve's eyes widen. "What have you done to our home?" he asks. "Please don't tell me you painted the bedroom." 

"Of course not," Danny huffs. "I just sold the sofa." 

"What?!" 

Danny laughs. He might just mean it too. Seeing Steve every day has helped, puts him at ease a little for those few minutes (or hours, depending on the day) they talk. "Relax, babe, I'm joking. I've mostly been doing some gardening, gathering photos for frames and albums, that's all." 

"Gardening?" 

This one is actually true- And he's even been doing it at Steve's house. It's the only reason he goes to Steve's house now, except for the days they've planned to video call. Why he's doing it at Steve's house, Danny's not entirely sure. "Yes, gardening," Danny says. "Don't look so surprised, I can garden. I've got some veggies going, a few daffodil plants too. Really brightened the whole place up to- though it is a struggle keeping Eddie out of my plants." 

"When you say a few veggies...?" 

"Lettuce, cucumber, tomatoes. I talked to your neighbor, got a few pointers from her." 

Steve nods thoughtfully. "Never thought of you as the gardening type." 

"There's a lot you didn't think about," Danny says before he can process how that sounds. He blanches, especially when Steve's face falls. "I didn't mean it like that- I was trying to say you didn't think I'd open a restaurant and I did. You didn't think I'd garden and I do. I'm full of surprises, that's what I was getting at." 

"Yeah, you are," Steve murmurs. He offers Danny a half smile. "I didn't think you'd take out your kidnappers and you took out four of them all on your own." 

"Whoa, excuse me?" Danny huffs. "I'll have you know I can hold my own in a fight, McGarrett. And besides, I can survive two bullets to the chest, I'm basically invincible at this point." 

Steve rolls his eyes, but he's smiling. "Yeah, I have to admit, you are pretty tough for such a small guy." 

"Excuse me?!" Danny exclaims. "Listen here, you crazy animal, you might be on the mainland but don't think that'll stop me from going out there and kicking your ass for calling me small. I'm not small, I'm _vertically challenged._ And I could beat your ass any day of the year." 

"Calm down, Danno, you know I love your height," Steve teases. He's got that smile, the truly happy one that Danny gets from him every now and then. He's seeing that smile more now and it warms part of Danny's heart in a way nothing else is right now. Even though he feels like he's been through the wringer, at least Steve seems to be doing better. He looks like it and according to Steve in one of their conversations recently, he _is_ doing a little better. "Especially because you're the perfect height for me to tuck you under my arm and-" 

"Finish that sentence and you're a dead man," Danny warns. 

Steve laughs. "You won't kill me, you love me too much for that. Besides, you like your height too. Especially when you and I settle down on the sofa with a movie and snuggle together." 

"Snuggle together, what are we, teenager lovebirds?" 

"We're not teenagers," Steve says indignantly. "Never insult me like that again, those kids are crazy." 

"Or what, what're you going to do?" 

The line is silent as Steve stares at him. Danny shifts a little in his seat, uncomfortable with the intensity of Steve's look. "What?" he says. "What's with the look?" 

Steve shrugs. "Just missed seeing your smile." 

"What're you talking about, I've been smiling plenty," Danny responds, thankful for once that Steve's not next to him so he can't hear how fast Danny's heart has just begun beating. 

"You've been pretending to but outside of a few times, this call's the first time I've really seen you smile and seem to mean it," Steve answers quietly. "I know you well, Danny." 

There's so much Danny wants to say and should probably put voice to at some point, but all he does is swallow and say, "Lot's been going on these past few months. Taken me a while to adjust." 

"Such as me leaving."

Danny shrugs. It finally no longer hurts when he does. "Yeah, but I also got shot, nearly died. Put a lot of things in perspective, you know? Doc said I shouldn't have survived and that was kinda a wake up call. Combine that with you leaving and me not being able to work until three weeks ago… It's been a lot. Finally doing better, I guess." 

"What about the insomnia?" 

So all it takes is for him to smile and Steve notices and voices all of his concerns at once, apparently. Figures. 

"It's not so bad," Danny says. "Was just up late last night working, that's all." 

"Working?" 

"Researching a cold case," Danny explains. "Kept me up." 

Only the first half is true but Steve doesn't need to know that Danny was up because of a nightmare. He wasn't supposed to know any of this to begin with and yet, here they are. 

"You know you can call me, right? Just because I'm not in Hawaii doesn't mean I'm not here for you." 

"I'm fine, babe, it's not a big deal." 

"You don't need to protect me," Steve says quietly. For the first time since he's been gone, there's a hint of anger in his voice. "Telling me you're not okay isn't going to break me." 

"Good to hear," Danny retorts. "Doesn't matter because I'm _fine._ " 

"You don't look fine!" 

"You just told me I've been genuinely smiling this entire phone call and suddenly I'm not fine? Make up your mind!" 

"You were smiling, yeah, but that just proved to me how miserable you've been all these months! That doesn't just go away with one phone call! Come on, Danny, I'm trying here. Talk to me." 

"I've got to go," Danny says, glancing back at the house as if he's heard Junior or Tani calling for him. Neither are home but he's not about to tell Steve that. "I'm supposed to get dinner started." 

"Danny-" 

"It's fine, babe. _I'm_ fine, I'm not something you have to worry about. Enjoy the rest of your evening, okay? We can talk tomorrow." 

"Danny-" 

"Goodbye, Steve," Danny says pointedly, ending the call. He drops his phone into the sand and hunches over, trying to keep the panic at bay. _Fuck._ What did he do? Yelling at Steve, admitting to his insomnia, to feeling alone, to dealing with nearly dying… 

Basically, almost everything Danny had swore to himself he'd never tell Steve. 

_Fuck._

Eddie appears at his side, whining and trying to get his face through Danny's arms so he can lick Danny's face. Danny turns away, unsure if he can handle the comfort from Eddie without breaking down. 

_I'm not something you need to worry about._

_You know you can call me, right? Just because I'm not in Hawaii doesn't mean I'm not here for you._

Shit. 

His phone lights up. 

Danny knows it's Steve calling even before the ringtone begins. Eddie cocks his head, looking down and eyeing the phone. 

The phone rings and rings. 

_Our bedroom…_

Danny doesn't know what he would say if he answers, so he doesn't. He just lets the phone ring out. 

_Snuggle together, what are we, teenager lovebirds?_

_We're not teenagers._

What about lovebirds? Why no comment about _that?_

It takes another five minutes for him to be composed enough to pick up his now-silent phone and head inside. He takes a seat on the sofa next to Eddie and spends the next half hour with him. It's grounding. A lot. 

A part of him considers getting a dog. ~~Might help with his anxiety~~ ~~.~~

Seated there, Danny wonders about what he had said to Steve on the phone, about the hobbies he's taken up while being stuck at home. The wall in front of the front door is bare. It makes him wonder. 

He's been changing his own place around, selling furniture and rearranging things. He knows Steve's got stuff hidden away in the attic, things about his family: old photos, old things from his and Mary's bedrooms that he's moved into the attic. 

It's something to do, at least. 

Keeping that in mind, Danny bids Eddie a farewell and heads back to his place. Unsurprisingly, sleep doesn't come right away that night. Doesn't help that he and Steve left things in a not-so-great way, and considering the nightmare he had the previous night, Danny's not really in any hurry to sleep as it is. 

He'd given up on sleep around one-thirty anyway, and has been busy ever since on his tablet, trying to work with software and pictures online to come up with a design for a frame. 

He's working from noon to five anyway so it doesn't matter what time he goes to bed so long as he's at work on time. 

His phone begins to vibrate and Danny frowns as he reaches over and picks it up off the coffee table. "Danny," he says as a greeting, belatedly cursing himself for not checking the caller ID before answering. But it's also some time past two-thirty in the morning so whoever's calling, it's clearly important. 

The line is quiet. "Hello?" Danny asks, pulling his phone away to check the caller ID. _Steve._ "Steve, hey, you here?" 

"Yeah, I'm here. Didn't think you'd answer." 

Danny sighs. He already knows where this is headed but he asks anyway, "Why'd you call then?" 

"I didn't call last night when I should have." 

"Um, why?" 

"Our counselor said we shouldn't go to bed without resolving our arguments." Steve exhales. "I should have called before I went to bed." 

"We didn't fight," Danny says carefully. 

"Yeah, but I don't like where we left things. I feel like there's a wall between us, like you're keeping things from me." 

Danny's grateful for the call and not the video call because the latter would be brutal. Seeing the emotion on Steve's face and vice versa..just no. He doesn't think he can handle that. Especially not in the middle of the night. "Is there a question in there?" he asks, scrubbing at his face. _Why did he have to go and open his big mouth during their call earlier?_

"You haven't denied it," Steve points out. 

"I don't know what you want me to say!" Danny exclaims. "You want me to tell you about how hard PT is or describe to you what I do when I can't sleep or tell you about the nightmare I had last night, what? I already told you what's going on so what more do you want from me?" 

"I want the truth," Steve says quietly. "That's all, Danny. The truth about how you're doing. I've been honest with you about how I'm doing, so be honest with me. Please." 

Danny can feel the all-too-familiar well of anxiety building in his chest. "I already told you," Danny says shakily. "I'm fine." 

He doesn't feel fine. 

"I've been doing better," he adds when Steve waits him out. "Yeah, I wasn't doing so great but I'm doing better now. Time's helped, I told you this." 

"All this time, every time we've called and I've asked, why weren't you honest with me?" Steve asks. "I've asked you, Danny, I've asked you outright how you're doing and you've never _once_ told me you were struggling." 

"I've never once-" Some of the anxiety is turning into anger and Danny doesn't know to be relieved or more anxious about that. "What the hell's the matter with you, why should I have had to say anything to begin with? If you had just-" He shuts himself up before he can ruin everything but the rest of the words go unsaid in his head. _If you had just been here, you'd know how much I've been struggling._

Danny's got to calm down, he has to _shut up right now_ or he's going to end up saying everything he's been working so hard to keep suppressed, keep to himself. He feels it, feels the way the words are bubbling in his chest, beating in unison with his heart, ready to explode out of him. 

He needs to end this call _right now._

"Danny-" Steve blows his breath out in a deep exhale. He sounds exhausted, weary. "Finish the sentence. You can tell me the truth. 'If I had just-' _what?_ " 

"I need to go," Danny says. He sounds hollow, which is about the only emotion he might be capable in this moment that isn't being anxious. "Okay? I need to go, need to go to bed and get some sleep. If you really feel like we need to, we can talk about this later. When it's not three in the morning, okay?" 

"Damn it, Danny, tell me what's wrong!" Steve yells. "For once, stop keeping things from me and just tell me the _truth!"_

Anger washes over him. Steve doesn't get to be pissed at him for not telling him all the shit he's been through when Steve's the one who left him to go through said shit alone.

"The truth?" Danny laughs bitterly. He wants to cry, wants to yell, wants to curl into the fetal position, break down, and not move for a very long time. Everything he's been holding in and keeping to himself, everything he's been feeling and has tried to convince himself not to feel when he has no right to be upset, not after all the shit Steve's been through that's led him to rightfully leave the island so he can be happy- it all hits him at once. His chest hurts and only a minuscule part of the pain is because of the nearly completely-healed scar. "The truth is, I was shot in the chest and nearly died, and not even three days after I was released from the hospital, you up and _left--_ and of those two, I'm not sure which one hurt me worse!" 

The line is completely silent for a moment and if Steve's even still there or is even breathing, Danny can't tell. "Danny," Steve croaks. "Danny, I _never-_ " 

"Oh, shit," Danny interrupts numbly, with much less anxiety in his voice than he's currently experiencing. He's about two seconds from a full blown panic attack and he can't believe he just accused Steve of hurting him and of leaving him, and if he doesn't get off the phone _right now_ he's going to have a panic attack with Steve there to witness it. "I need to go," Danny says when Steve doesn't say anything. "We'll call later, yeah? God, I'm so fucking sorry, I swear I wasn't trying to accuse you or say that, I didn't mean that. You haven't done anything wrong, you hear me? You needed to get away and you didn't do anything wrong, you needed to get away so you could recover and figure out what you wanted, and so you could be happy… God, I didn't mean any of that, I'm sorry, I'm just tired and saying bullshit because I haven't slept, okay? I need to go, I need to go, Steve, I'm sorry-" 

Danny cuts himself off and ends the call, shaking so badly he thinks he's going to come apart. He's drowning, this time he's certain of it, certain he's ruined everything, ruined all of the happiness and peace that Steve's managed to find, not to mention he's ruined their friendship, ruined their partnership… 

All because he couldn't keep his fucking mouth closed and just _deal with it_ , deal with something he had _no right to feel_ when Steve had left for a perfectly good reason after ten devastating years of agony… But _no,_ god forbid, he had to go ahead and tell Steve everything, going straight for the kill of course and now he's _ruined everything_ -

His phone begins vibrating and in doing so, fuels his panic and single-handedly shatters the remainder of any composure he might have had a chance of recovering. 

Danny pushes his phone away from him, not caring as the device falls off the coffee table and lands face down on the ground. He stumbles to the bedroom and grabs his gym bag, filling it with enough clothes for a few days. Grabs his keys, his wallet. 

He has to get out. 

Get away.

Get away _right now._

That becomes Danny's sole thought as he rushes around his bedroom, ignoring the vibrations that come from down the hall, seeming to get louder with each passing second. 

Louder and louder it gets, the vibrations seeming to echo off the walls, taunting him to answer his phone and face the consequences for putting all the blame for his problems on Steve when in reality, he's to blame for all of it. He shouldn't have been pissed at Steve to begin with but he was and he let it fester instead of stopping it and now he's lashed out at Steve, ruining everything. 

"Stop it!" Danny screams, shaking apart as the sound of his phone vibrating crashes around him, compressing him. There's no escaping the sound, it's constant and it's everywhere and it's brutal, torturing him for hurting Steve. 

Now he knows what it feels to be drowning. 

It's everything he's feared and worse. 

Danny throws his bag onto his shoulder, slides a pair of sneakers on his feet that were by the front door. He's gone a moment later, not looking back as he runs, trying to break the surface of the water.

He walks all night. By the time morning breaks, he's sitting at his spot, overlooking the ocean and the rising sun. His feet hurt from all the walking but Danny barely feels it. 

Barely feels the strain on his chest for doing more PT exercises in one night than he'd done the entire time he'd been in therapy. 

And he doesn't notice at all the way even hours after his panic attack left, his hands haven't stopped shaking. 

_The truth is, I was shot in the chest and nearly died, and not even three days after I was released from the hospital, you up and left-- and of those two, I'm not sure which one hurt me worse!_

He's such an asshole. 

No wonder Steve left him. 

Even that knowledge isn't enough to make him cry again. He gave all he had to the panic attack and now he just feels numb. Empty. 

So he sits there. Looks out at the water. Quietly, thinking. Not processing much.

If he had his phone, Danny thinks he might text Cole and tell him to swing by his place, pick up his badge and gun. 

But he doesn't have his phone. 

Some time later, a car screeches to a halt and the sound of running footsteps reaches him. Danny remembers this sound, remembers the feeling of being dragged out of his car, of having a potato sack thrown over his head as he was dragged into another car. 

"Just do it," Danny says, not bothering to turn around. He's so _numb_. He's been numb after a panic attack before, been utterly and completely wiped of energy after one before, but he walked here on pure adrenaline and now that he's sat down, Danny's not sure he can get up. 

Doesn't particularly feel like it either. 

"Danny?" Tani whispers. Her voice washes over him like a warm blanket on a cold day, or maybe that's her embrace as she and Junior grab a hold of him and pull him off the ledge he was sitting on. 

"Sir?" Junior asks, looking unsure of how to proceed. 

"Oh, Danny," Tani murmurs into his neck, her tears wetting his skin as she cries. "God, you scared us so much, don't ever do that again." 

"What?" Danny says absently. 

"Don't ever run away again," she says fiercely, pulling away from the hug to put both her hands on either side of his face, looking deep into his eyes. "Come on," she says. "You're going to the hospital." 

"Hospital?" 

"You're going," she says with no room for arguing as she guides him into the backseat of her car. Danny settles against her without a word, letting his eyes slide closed as Junior silently pulls away and heads for the hospital. 

Tani holds his hand as she pulls out her phone with the other. "Yeah, we've got him," she says to whoever she's on the phone with. "No, I don't know. He's not really responsive, seems pretty out of it. Think he's about to crash. Junes and I are on the way to Tripler with him." 

Silence. 

It somehow finds a way to be loud anyway. _Is this what it's like to be drowning? You try so hard to remain afloat that eventually you're numb to the fact that you're even still floating? Is it floating? Or is it drowning?_

"Okay, well as soon as we get there and we get him checked out, we'll keep you updated. As soon as we hear something, you will. Tell Steve he can call me for updates once he lands, if he needs to." 

Danny opens his eyes, unaware he'd closed them. "Steve?" 

If Tani responds to him, Danny never hears her. His last thought is of his partner before the stress of the last forty-eight hours catches up with him, his eyes sliding back closed on their own accord as Danny slumps unconscious, drowning once again. 

_"Hey, Danno!"_

_"What's up, babe?" Danny calls, bringing the two pancakes off the griddle and turning the stove off as he heads outside to stand on the lanai, looking out at the water._

_Steve stands at the point where water meets sand, tiny droplets of water sliding down his chest towards the dip in his shorts. Danny can't help but admire the view as he approaches; and honestly, who could blame him anyway, his partner is all sex and hotness, and in moments like this- or any moment where Steve's involved- Danny's reminded of this._

_"See something you like?" Steve teases as Danny comes to a stop in front of him._

_"Please, don't flatter yourself," Danny says, rolling his eyes. "We both know you're hot, so what's up? Why'd you call me out-"_

_Danny's cut off by a choked gasp as Steve grabs him by the waist and spins him around, throwing him into the water._

_"What the hell?" Danny shouts, bringing himself to his knees once he's done sputtering at the utter shock of being thrown into the ocean. "You called me out here just so you could throw me in?"_

_Steve shrugs. "That, and I wanted to see the look on your face when I got you wet."_

_Danny sputters some more. "You're an asshole, you know that? Here I am, all freshly showered after my run, making banana chocolate chip pancakes just for you, and then you go ahead and ruin the whole mood by throwing me into the frickin ocean- you, you neanderthal!"_

_Steve just laughs. "Well, what're you just sitting there for? You've got pancakes to finish, chop chop."_

_"Chop chop?" Danny echoes. "You know what, just for that little stunt of yours, I'm not letting you have any pancakes."_

_"What?" Steve looks heartbroken. "You wouldn't actually do that…would you?"_

_"I would and I will!" Danny declares, right before he grabs a hold of Steve's leg and pulls with all his might, sending both of them into the water for his efforts._

_Steve's laughing when he sits up, as is Danny. "You're on," Steve says, snatching Danny's hand and pulling Danny deeper into the water with him. Danny just shakes his head and allows himself to be pulled in, taking off his shirt and flinging it back at the sand as they go._

_The pancakes sit on the back burner- literally- for another thirty minutes until they're done goofing off. And the smile on Steve's face when they finally go inside and Danny gets a chance to finish breakfast?_

_It's the brightest thing Danny's ever seen._

_It's the best thing Danny's ever seen._

Danny comes to slowly, finds himself drifting in and out of awareness as his mind tries to figure out what his body is trying to tell him. 

First off, everything hurts. Not in the I-just-got-shot way but in the I-just-hit-by-a-truck full-body exhaustion that comes with the flu. His limbs feel weighed down and there's a tightness in his chest that no matter how hard Danny tries to breathe, doesn't alleviate. 

Somewhere in that struggle, Danny feels like he hears someone trying to tell him something, maybe reassure him? But everything is hazy and it's like he's underwater because nothing that is said is loud enough for him to hear. 

So he continues to drift, unsure if he wants to find land or not. 

_The TV is barely above mute but Steve appears at the bottom of the stairs anyway, probably because his SuperSEAL-trained hearing heard him get up, Danny thinks as Steve wordlessly makes his way over to the sofa._

_"Couldn't sleep?" Steve asks, taking a seat next to Danny. He doesn't seem to glance at the documentary that's playing; he only seems to have eyes for Danny._

_Danny shrugs. "Nightmare, actually," he says. "Didn't want to go back to sleep. I wake you?"_

_"Yeah, but that's okay." Steve yawns and scooches closer, putting his arm around Danny's shoulders. "You want to talk about it?"_

_"Not really." Danny can't stand the understanding in Steve's eyes so he looks back at the TV. "True crime documentary. Don't ask me what about, I haven't been paying attention."_

_"Background noise," Steve murmurs._

_"Yeah." Danny sighs. "Sorry I woke you."_

_"Don't be." Steve leans into him a little, coaxes Danny to ease into his side in the familiar way he does every time they watch something together and end up cuddling. "I'd rather be up with you than you be up by yourself."_

_Danny clears his throat, fighting back the tears that fill his eyes at the sweet sentiment. "Thanks, babe."_

_"Of course." Steve's thumb rubs absently over Danny's shoulder for a while as they sit in silence, neither one of them really listening to what's being said on the documentary. Eventually, Danny begins to tire and looks over to see Steve has his eyes closed._

_"You should go back to bed," Danny says, poking Steve's leg. "Sleeping upright like this is going to hurt your neck."_

_Steve yawns and opens his eyes a little. "Not going to bed until you do," he says stubbornly._

_"Fine, let's go to bed then," Danny says, moving out of Steve's embrace just enough to reach the remote and turn the TV off. He sits on the edge of the seat, looking at Steve expectedly. His partner doesn't move._

_"Are you actually going to go to sleep though?" Steve asks, narrowing his eyes at Danny a little._

_"Yeah, I'll try, come on."_

_Steve looks contemplative for a moment. "Got a better idea," he says, reaching out and taking hold of Danny's hand. He pulls Danny back onto the sofa and into his arms, adjusting their positions so Steve's lying lengthwise along the sofa, Danny curled on his side facing him. Steve puts his arm around Danny's shoulders and pulls Danny closer so Danny's head is on his shoulder. "There," Steve says. "Close your eyes."_

_Danny is still. There's cuddling and then there's sleeping in your best friend's arms. This is not cuddling._

_"Stop thinking so much," Steve chastises gently. "Come on, I promise I'll wake you if you have another nightmare. But we've got work tomorrow and we both need the sleep so just close your eyes, okay?"_

_"You don't mind?" Danny asks, unsure of what exactly he's asking. They've cuddled before- all the time, actually- with no problem but this… this is uncharted territory. It's territory typically shared between two lovers._

_"It's you, of course I don't mind," Steve says as if Danny's silly for asking._

_Danny doesn't know how to respond so he doesn't. Though, considering he also presses closer to Steve and slings his arm around Steve's waist, maybe he does._

_Either way, he sleeps peacefully for the rest of the night._

Someone is holding his hand. And has been for a long time. And also maybe has been brushing back the hair from his face, but that one's just a guess. 

Danny wants to open his eyes and see if it's true but he's also afraid doing so would sever the connection, so he remains still. 

"I lied to you." It's said quietly in a voice barely above a whisper. "I know you know this. I sat there on the beach that day and I told you that I stayed for my dad. I wanted to make you mad at me for lying, to lessen the blow of me leaving. Truth was, nothing I said was ever going to lessen that blow and I should have known that. Shouldn't have lied to you." 

_Yes,_ Danny agrees _._

"It's not the only lie I told." This time Steve's voice is louder, more confident. "Though, at the time, I didn't know I was lying. I thought it was the truth." 

_I think it's time_ , Danny realizes. It seems his mind is finally connecting the dots. He and Steve had fought, he'd ran- literally- to his spot for comfort. Tani and Junior had found him and taken him to Tripler. 

Judging by how he feels, he needed to go. 

He doesn't feel like he's drowning anymore. At least, not as badly as he had been. 

A hand touches his cheek, a thumb brushing under his eyes and smoothing over his laughter lines. 

Danny's closer to waking, he feels it. Just needs to keep pushing and then he'll wake up. He thinks he wants to. 

"I told you I was looking for peace. I visited Mary, went to Los Angeles, then to Montana and stayed at Joe's old place, I went to New York, Miami, Dallas... And none of it brought me the peace I was hoping for. Each place taught me something or helped me discover something about myself but none of it gave me what I was looking for." 

The room is quiet and Danny stumbles, unsure of how to go up without Steve's voice to guide him. 

"My one constant during my journey was that you were with me. When I took a picture, I sent it to you so you could see what I saw. I skyped you for the things I wanted you to experience with me as I did." Steve sighs. "You know I loved our calls more than some of the places I visited? Los Angeles was nice because I got to reconnect with Sam- you should remember him, an old SEAL buddy of mine that you worked a case with, what, eight years ago? Seven? And it was nice to see Mary and Joan, and I even found some closure at Joe's. But…" 

Steve squeezes his hand. Danny can feel it, can feel it in his hand, the feeling of love that radiates throughout his body. 

It is time, after all. 

"But all of those places lacked one thing: you weren't there." Steve exhales deeply. "All this time I've been looking for peace so I could find myself and understand what I was looking for, only to realize yesterday during our call that seeing you smile brought me more peace than anything else in the world ever had." 

Danny opens his eyes. 

Steve's got his head bowed, his eyes closed as he talks. There's a weariness to his features that Danny's only seen in Steve's darkest moments: when he'd rescued him from Wo Fat, when Joe died, when his mom died… and when he woke up in the hospital after having been shot for the second time in the chest. 

"I left too soon," Steve says into the silence of the room. "I should have waited three weeks, a month, so you had time to heal before I went. I think I still should have gone alone, but I never should have left you the way I did." 

"You planning on telling me this when I'm awake?" Danny croaks. 

Steve lifts his head sharply and stares at Danny with wide eyes. "Danny," he breathes. "Hey, you okay? How're you feeling?" 

"Don't know to describe it," Danny admits. Somehow, it's easier to breathe now than it was before he wound up back in a hospital bed. "Like I have the flu?" 

"The exhaustion part, like you've been hit by a truck?" 

"Yeah, like that." Danny closes his eyes momentarily and then opens them again as a thought crosses his mind. "Why'm I here?" 

Steve withdraws slightly. "Do you remember what happened?" he asks in lieu of response. 

Danny avoids Steve's eyes. "I yelled at you," he says. "Panic attack. Went to my spot to think." 

"And?" 

"Tani and Junior were there. They took me here?" 

Steve nods. "Lack of sleep all these weeks has been taking its toll. When you walked out to your spot, you did more physical activity than your body was prepared for. Didn't help you had a panic attack and between that and all the walking, your body was exhausted. Tani and Junior found you just before you collapsed and brought you here. You've been asleep just over thirteen hours now." 

"Thirteen?" Danny feels his eyes wide and then immediately fill with tears. 

"Hey, it's okay," Steve hurries to comfort. "You needed the sleep, it gave your body a chance to heal. You were exhausted and dehydrated." 

"It's not that, it's the fact you're here after everything I said…" Danny knows Steve can see the tears in his eyes and loathes how weak it makes him look. Again. But he's helpless to stop it. 

"Danny, of course I'd be here." Now Steve looks like he's about to cry. It also could be the fact that Danny's vision is blurry. It's probably the latter. "You had every right to call me out; you had just been shot and nearly died and I left you anyway, when I should have stayed." 

Danny shakes his head. "You needed to go and I wasn't willing to understand that. You didn't do anything wrong." 

"Staying a few weeks to make sure you were okay should have been my first priority. Getting on a plane could have happened at any time." 

"Then you would have been putting my needs before your own which is exactly what the problem is, you never put yourself first," Danny argues. "You needed to go and it's good you put yourself first for once. I shouldn't have been upset with you for that." 

Steve leans forward in his seat, staring at Danny intensely. "My PTS got to where it did because of two factors: all the loss and torture that happened in my life, and the fact that I never allowed myself the time to fully grieve or process either one," Steve says. "And I admit that there were times when I should have put my needs before the needs of everyone around me but leaving you after you'd nearly died should _never_ have been one of those times and I'm sorry that it was. You needed me and I let you down." 

"I would have been fine with you leaving had you not left so abruptly," Danny whispers. "If you'd waited for the dust to settle after Daiyu Mei, it would have been fine, but the way you left right after as if seeing me was a reminder of everything you'd been through so you couldn't stand to look at me, or like- like you didn't care enough about me to stick around- that's what hurt me the most." 

"I'm so sorry," Steve says and this time Danny knows his partner does actually have tears in his eyes. "You're the most important person in my life and I never should have made you feel like you weren't." 

They stare at each other in silence. Danny bites his lip. Steve looks on the verge of having a lot to say and Danny thinks he needs clarification for what he thinks he heard when he was out. "What were you saying about finding your peace?" 

Steve looks startled as he wipes his eyes. "You heard that?" 

"Some of it," Danny admits. "You said something about certain places helping, others not so much. I'm guessing you didn't get a chance to find your peace before I ruined it and brought you back here?" 

"First of all, stop blaming yourself. You didn't ruin anything. I made the choice to come back here to set things right between us- if I could- because I owed you an apology and the truth." 

Danny frowns. "Truth?" 

Steve gives him a sad smile. "During our video call when I corrected you and said we were like lovebirds, it was your smile- the first real one from you since I'd left- that made me realize I was never going to find peace, not traveling around the U.S., at least." 

"Why not?" 

Steve shrugs. "Because I'd left it behind with you when I got on the plane." 

"Eddie?" 

"No, not Eddie!" Steve exclaims, gripping Danny's hand more tightly than Danny thinks he probably intends to. "I left _you_ behind in Hawaii. And no matter where I went or what I experienced, I was never going to be happy because you weren't at my side." 

Danny feels lost. "I don't get it. You saying I make you happy or give you peace, or something?" 

"What's the last thing I told you before I left?" Steve asks. 

Danny searches Steve's eyes for any sign of a joke. He remembers that conversation word for word down to the pacing of their dialogue. "'I love you,'" he answers quietly. 

"It's that simple," Steve says. "All this time I was running from my past, trying to find something that I thought had been taken from me because of everything I've been through. All the shit I've gone through as a SEAL, because of Wo Fat and Daiyu Mei, my parents… I thought it took away all of my happiness. And I was wrong." 

"Wrong, wrong how?" 

"Everything I've been through has only taken away the happiness I've allowed it to. Had I allowed myself to grieve, to process everything that's happened, gone to therapy, I might be happier now than I am. But I haven't gone without happiness, despite what I thought. And that's what I realized, was that when I'm with our team, when I'm with you, _especially_ with you, I am happy. And I'm sorry it took me leaving to realize that." 

"Especially with me…" Danny stares at his partner. He hears what Steve is saying but after everything… believing is another matter. 

"You're my peace, Danno. When I thought Daiyu Mei had taken me from you, I wanted to give up. I didn't know how to face a world without you in it. My life's just better with you in it. It's as simple as that." 

"What're you saying, are you coming back? Are you going to try and find something else now that you've decided you don't need to find your peace- what about what you want to do, 5-0 or not, you need to figure that out?" 

Steve leans closer to the bed. "For now, I'm staying," he agrees. "I'm going to stay and see you through this until you're feeling better. And then, if you'll let me, I want to take us to Jersey." 

"Why?" Danny frowns a little despite feeling an immense well of pride that he's finally succeeded in convincing Steve to go to his home state. "Thought you hated Jersey." 

"I didn't like that Jersey gave you a reason to leave," Steve corrects. "But Jersey's important to you so it's important to me; I want to see why it's so special. That, and I want to try the pizza," he adds with a smile. 

Danny rolls his eyes but he's smiling. "There is something you should know," he admits, sobering. "If you do stay here for a while… I'm not living at your place anymore." He looks away for a moment before facing Steve. "That's another thing I wasn't honest about, I'm sorry." 

Steve sighs. "I'm sorry I made you think I couldn't be. And I knew already; when you didn't answer my calls, I called Junior to check on you. When he couldn't tell me right away where you were, or if you were okay, I made him tell me the truth." 

Danny picks at the blanket covering his legs. "I left the night you did," he says. "I couldn't stay there; I moved in because you were there, you know? Not knowing if you were coming back… I couldn't." 

Steve opens his mouth to respond but never gets the chance before the door opens and the entire team walks in, balloons, flowers, and cards in all of their hands. 

"Hey, big man's awake!" Lou exclaims, lighting up. As everyone puts their items down and settles in, Danny meets Steve's eyes and nods his head, pulling his hand away from Steve's. 

They'll finish this conversation later. 

"I know I haven't been here since you got the place fixed but everything really has changed," Steve says as he joins Danny on the sofa, handing Danny a water. "New color on the wall too, it's nice, I like it." 

"You can say it," Danny answers, taking a sip of his water before he puts the glass on the coffee table next to his tablet. "We're going to talk about it eventually." 

"You got rid of a lot of furniture," Steve says quietly. "Were you planning on moving? _Are_ you planning on moving?" 

"I don't know," Danny admits. "Some things I didn't need, others I didn't want… had things ended differently, I don't know." 

"Had I not come back," Steve guesses correctly. 

Danny shrugs. "Yeah." 

"It wasn't just the insomnia, was it?" 

To be honest, Danny's surprised Steve's waited this long to ask. "No, it wasn't. It was mostly nightmares, which then led to the insomnia. I didn't do myself any favors with that one either." 

"About Daiyu Mei?" 

"About a lot of things," Danny concedes. "But her kidnapping me was a lot of them, yeah." He glances at Steve. "My anxiety's gotten bad. Worst it's ever been." 

"My PTS too," Steve sighs. "I've never really talked to anyone outside of the mandated shrink the governor has sent us to. I don't even know who to contact for a good reference." 

"I don't have any idea either, but I bet someone on the team will know." Danny risks another look at Steve. "Might be worth asking. You know they won't judge." 

"Okay." 

"Okay, that's it, no arguments?" 

"Yeah, that's it." Steve meets Danny's eyes, shrugs a little. "I don't think I'll be okay unless I go," he says. "Got too many demons to face and if there's anything I've realized, it's that facing them alone won't work. But our marriage counselor helped us, so a few therapy sessions for my PTS, however many it takes… it can't hurt." 

"Yeah," Danny agrees. He feels exhausted and they've just started talking. "What happened to Catherine?" he asks. It's the one question he doesn't have an answer to. Steve stopped mentioning her after three days into his trip and Danny was always too afraid to ask.

"She was never meant to come with me," Steve says. "Not much to tell, really. She'd cracked the cipher and Cole pointed her in the direction of my flight so we could 'reconnect.' It was good to see her but while she was the one who got away, she also wasn't the one meant to be, you know? We spent a few days together and we parted when I went to see Mary. Haven't really spoken to her since." 

"And you're okay with that?" 

"Yeah. She always reminded me of my mom, you know? Always floating in and out of my life when it was convenient for her. The job was always and is always going to be her first priority. And while I can respect that, that was me for majority of my life, that's not what I want." 

"Okay, well, what do you want?" 

"I want what you have with Gracie and Charlie. A love so fierce you'd move five thousand miles to be with them. I love being with your kids and I don't think I could ever choose the job over them. I wouldn't want to, either."

Danny eyes him carefully. "They love you too," he finally answers. "Charlie's really missed seeing you these last several months." 

"I owe that kid a lot of cuddles, ice cream, and swimming," Steve muses. "And an apology." 

"He was heartbroken that you left without saying goodbye," Danny admits. "You were my co-parent for a while there, you know? He loved living with you." 

"That can still happen." 

Danny shakes his head, feeling the beginnings of a headache if he doesn't tread carefully with this conversation. "A lot's changed since Daiyu Mei. I know what you're going to say and you don't need to, we've talked about this and I've already said I forgive you. And I do. But I was always going to move back in here as soon as they finished working on it and you were doing better, and right now, I don't want to move back in. I don't know if I will again or if it makes sense for me to if I _do_ want to one day." 

"Danny-" 

"Don't apologize," Danny warns. 

"...I, fine, okay, I won't. But there is something I need to say?" 

"Okay?" 

Steve sets his glass on the table and shifts his position so he's facing Danny head on. Sensing this is important, Danny meets Steve's eyes. They're dark and completely serious, an open book, for once, too. "Something changed for us during those months when we lived together and I don't think I was the only one who felt it." 

"No," Danny agrees quietly despite the way his heart suddenly feels like it's going to beat out of his chest. "You weren't." 

"I think we were as close then as we ever have been to finally making a move and talking about our feelings for each other," Steve admits. "And I know that I changed everything when I left and I hurt you- I know that. You deserved better than how I treated you, just like you deserve a better man than me. But I want to be that person for you so I decided, I'm going to be the man you deserve. And if you let me, one day in the future, I want there to be an us, I want to be with you." 

"I want that too." 

"You do?" 

"You don't have to sound so surprised," Danny huffs. "I've only been in love with you for years, come on. Please don't tell me you were actually _that_ blind and didn't notice." 

"Years?" Steve sounds awed. 

"Yes, years, what'd you think, I'd just go around telling you _I love you_ all the time if I didn't mean it? And I don't let just anyone cuddle me, by the way, whaddya think I am, some sort of-" 

Steve surges forward and takes Danny's face in his hands, kissing him and effectively ending Danny's rant before it can begin. "I love you," he whispers as he pulls away. "Have for years too. What Daiyu Mei said was right, you are the person I care about most in the world. And I promise you, I will spend every day for the rest of our lives making sure you never forget it." 

Danny offers Steve a small smile as he reaches out and intertwines their fingers. "Just make sure to include Grace and Charlie on that list too, huh?" 

"Of course!" Steve says vehemently. "Danny, you know I love your kids like they're mine." 

"Yeah, I do know that," Danny says, squeezing Steve's hand. "You don't have to state the obvious, you goof." 

Steve grins at Danny likes he's just handed him the world on a platter. "Whaddya say we do our Jersey trip in three months?" he says. "That way, it gives us some time to begin therapy and start working through some things." 

"Consider it a tentative plan," Danny agrees. "You know you're going to have to make a decision about 5-0, right? I think we need to hold off on the trip until you've decided what you want to do- until we've both decided." 

Steve frowns a little. "What're you thinking, you want to leave?" 

"I don't know yet," Danny admits. "But I do know, that bullet should have killed me. It didn't but all that was, was a reminder that our time here is limited. I'm getting up there in years anyway, maybe it's time to step back and retire. Do an admin job or lead 5-0 with you from the sidelines if you'd want to, I don't know. I don't even know if I'm going to leave. But I do know I need to think about it too." 

"Whatever happens, we'll figure it out together, okay?" 

Danny nods, smiling gratefully at his partner. "I know, babe. That goes both ways." 

Steve smiles that one smile that's always managed to take Danny's breath away. "Come here," he says, letting go of Danny's hand as he stands and opens his arms. "I need a good Danny Williams hug, it's been too long since I've had one." 

"Yeah, really, what's up with that? You didn't even hug me when I got out of the hospital earlier, you idiot," Danny says as he stands up.

"Shut up and hug me already," Steve says lightly, looking as good as Danny feels at the familiarity of their banter. They never stopped joking around with each other after Steve left but it's so much better in person. Judging by Steve's smile, Danny thinks he feels the same way. And, just as he always does, Danny fits against Steve perfectly as his partner envelops him in his arms. "Now that I finally have you, I'm not letting you go, just so you know," Danny murmurs. He's not talking about the hug. 

"Good, because I'm not going to let you," Steve whispers back. Danny doesn't think he's talking about the hug either. 

END. 

**Author's Note:**

> This was a deep explore fix-it from Danny's POV. Thinking about writing another part for this one following Steve's POV during his time away.. we'll see. Hope everyone enjoyed this part, though.
> 
> Looking for someone to talk to about the finale? I'm just-fandomthings on Tumblr. Send me a message!


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